If there is any one topic I come across regularly in my conversations with people about the church; what to do when you’ve been hurt by the church is at the top of the list.
Growing up in the church I have seen just as much hurt as I’ve seen happiness. Often the hurt surrounds trivial issues like the proverbial disagreement over carpet color but then at other times it’s not trivial at all.
Hurt By The Church?
The hurt I’ve seen in these moments is deep-rooted and carries with it a web of confusion all bundled together with a heavy dose of emotion. But what I see most about this kind of hurt is it’s real with real consequences and real pain.
It affects livelihoods, family relationships, and jobs. It is the type of hurt that if not addresses can leave both sides feeling hopeless, angry and confused; often wondering how they got to this kind of situation in the first place.
So, if you have found yourself in that type of hurt you don’t have to stay there. It only brings destruction to yourself and everything around you. Unaddressed hurt leads to bitterness and bitterness has a sneaky way of dragging a person into the mud of hopelessness.
But, sometimes we just find ourselves in a place of bitterness without ever knowing how we got there or realizing we were there in the first place.
That’s why it’s so important, if you have been hurt by the church, not to ignore it but to allow the process of healing to begin.
If you have been there or find yourself there now. Here are 3 tips to healing from your hurt.
Don’t Dismiss What Happened.
This seems to be a huge one where I live in the Bible Belt. Christians often confusion avoiding confrontation with forgiveness. These two are not the same. Now, side note, this also does not mean all hurt is the same either. Getting your feelings hurt over not getting your way in the carpet color vote is not the same as the interpersonal catastrophe that can happen when relationships fall apart. While it is possible for a small problem to turn into an interpersonal catastrophe, it’s also entirely avoidable. We don’t always get our way and relationships matter. So, if you’re hurt over something trivial, it might be time to just let it go and move on. It’s not worth letting it turn into something bigger.
Now that is out of the way, back to the point.
Dismissing a real conflict, where there was real hurt, is not healthy. It’s like that saying the first step to recovery is identifying the problem. The process of healing means you have to acknowledge there was a real problem and that there was a cause to that problem. This doesn’t mean you go all “Hulk” on someone, it simply means you don’t act like your pain is insignificant.
Address The Hurt
Once you have come to the point where you acknowledge the hurt it’s time to start addressing it. This is where some good hearted Christians mess up when trying to give advice to their friends.
“Well, Bob, you were hurt… But now you just need to let the power of Christ fill you up like a dish sponge and go forgive that person. Once that happens all will be well and you’ll feel great! See, easy peasy! Now, how about we go get a slice of that fruitcake in the kitchen!”
Sound Familiar… I may have embellished a little with the fruitcake but you get the point.
Fairy Tale.
I know, that’s super harsh. But, we can’t treat addressing hurt with forgiveness like bleach. You don’t just pour it on the stain and magically it disappears. It takes time. It’s sometimes a messy process. But it is a process and by its nature that means we move while we are in it. It means we forgive and keep on forgiving. Moving more and more to restoration each time we forgive.
Messy Forgiveness
Some days that will be easier than others but we keep moving and living in that forgiveness. And, yes, after enough time the hurt begins to hurt less and less until it’s a distant memory. But, to treat all hurt the same and all situations that caused it the same only sets people up for failure when the “magic forgiveness” method is presented.Hurt has a way of making us focus on the scars of the past while ignoring the healing in the future.
Forgiveness was a messy, painful and beautiful process for Christ and we can’t expect any different for ourselves. But, it is worth it. There is healing in that journey and it is worth every step it takes to get there. Every random moment where that hurt tries to pop up and take over your thoughts, that you say no to, and reject, is one great step in the journey of living in forgiveness.
If Possible, Live At Peace
I love the verse in Romans where Paul reminds Timothy, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
Hurt has a way of making us focus on the scars of the past while ignoring the healing in the future. If it’s possible, as much as we have to do with it, we should live at peace with those around us.
The part we often ignore is, “as far as it depends on you.”
Sometimes, we offer an olive branch and they bring a chainsaw.
It can be heartbreaking to feel rejected when trying to forgive. But, as heartbreaking as it is we can’t stop trying to seek peace. It might take years or even a lifetime. That’s ok. Just don’t quit.
Forgiveness is sometimes a journey and journeys by nature require time and distance. So, you may find in the most difficult of situations that time and distance give room for forgiveness to grow.
Last Notes
This post has already gotten to be much longer than what I normally do but this is such an important topic. There is no way I can possibly cover all the nuanced situations involved in people being hurt by the church in one blog post; or for that many 100.
All I can offer is a general framework that leads you toward real, deep, messy, forgiveness. God is a very good guide in this area and I encourage you to bring your hurts up to him when you talk. Don’t lose hope and keep on stepping forward.
If you have more questions on how to heal from being hurt by the church you are welcome to contact me using the form on this website. I can’t promise all the answers but I will certainly respond.
