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Brandon Gross

Brandon Gross

5 Ways To Talk To Someone Who Has Left The Church

I think most of us know someone who has left the church. What many of us do not know is how to actually talk to them about it. For some the sheer awkwardness of the conversation causes them to avoid it like that 6-week old yogurt you forgot you had nestled in the back caverns of your fridge.

For others, the lost church sheep is like a prized pokemon waiting to be caught. This coversation often uses many words and listens less. Think your younger sister who just learned how to talk but only knows two words… “no” and some other made up word that requires a doctorate in Linguistics to understand. The words just keep rolling out but they all sound the same.

So, here are 5 tips for how to talk to someone who has left the church:

  1. This Is A Conversation Not A Sermon, So Tone It Down

    I come from a couple generations of back country pastors. My Grandpa was so passionate about what he was preaching one Sunday that his teeth got in the way. I mean, literally… He preached so hard that his false teeth flew out mid sentence. He caught them mid-air, threw them back in and never missed a word. I feel like that moment should have been imortalized on a poster or at least a coffee mug. However, when talking to someone who has left the church your primary goal is not to put their eye out with your word teeth. Take a breath and constrain that raw passion a bit. The same fire that can destroy a car when carefully controlled can power the same vehicle.

  2. Listen To Your Grandma About Your Ears.

    I think most of us have heard our grandma (or whomever) remind us that God gave us two ears and one mouth so we should listen twice as much as we speak. You don’t have to give all the answers. You’re not going to fix the problem in one lunch. So, take the time to listen not just to what this person is saying but what God’s Spirit is telling you in response to what they are sharing.

  3. Leave The Agenda At The Door. 

    I know what you’re saying, “I don’t have an agenda I’m just trying to help.” I believe you, but they might not if you are not coming off as genuine. Your goal should not be to try to “fix” them or their problem. Be their friend, offer support and give gracious advice when asked. One of my best friends is a master of this. When I had given up on the church he never once tried to coerce me into joining some group, coming back to service or anything else. He just focused on being my friend. What he didn’t know was how often I saw Christ in that simple committment to be a friend instead of a fixer.

  4. Don’t Be Afraid. 

    This is a huge one, especially when the person has left over some kind of hurt or problem involving the church. This is why so many people avoid even taking a step toward talking to someone who has left the church. They are afraid of saying the wrong thing or “making the situation worse.” Don’t let fear cause you to miss the opportunity to be Christ to them. In the same note, don’t be náive either. There is most likely going to be some hurt there and things said that you don’t agree with. But, your goal should not be to fix their beliefs, instead it should be to become the hands and feet of Christ to them and watch Him work. Note: Radical change will most likely not happen all in one conversation so don’t get discouraged.

  5. Don’t Give Up. 

    I wanted to end this list on this one because I think it is the number one problem faced when deciding how to talk to someone who has left the church. The conversation is not always an easy one or comfortable but it is necessary. So many people who have left the church were given up on by the ones they needed most. We justify it by saying, “Oh well, we tried” but that usually means we had a phone call or email conversation and that didn’t produce fruit right then so we chalked them up as lost sheep and moved on. While I believe it is true that only Christ can reach His lost sheep, I also believe He uses His followers as His means of doing that reaching. This doesn’t mean you need to be hounding them every week but it does mean you don’t need to forget them. Give them a call from time to time. Offer support. Invite them to dinner or things that don’t seem like you’re trying to get them to be a number in a pew. Just be you and let Christ work through you.

It was hard to narrow this list down to just five 🙂 What, would you add to the list?

 

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